Desperate For Changing
by November Rain 19
Summary: Song fic. A very angsty, one sided Heero/Duo.


Author's Notes: Ah yes, I've returned to the song fics. And it's my 20th fic. Didn't think I'd last this long, to be honest. Anyway. Here's some more angst (like I ever write anything else.) Hope you like it. 

Warnings: Shounen-ai. One sided Heero/Duo. Heero's POV. 

Disclaimers: 'Hanging by a Moment' belongs to Life House. Gundam Wing belongs to not me. 

Dedication: For Shawn, because I love and miss him beyond compare.   
  
  
  


Desperate for Changing   
by Melissa 

  
  
  


_Desperate for changing_   
_Starving for truth_   
_I'm closer to where I started_   
_I'm chasing after you_

I don't remember when I had started chasing after him. Well, I suppose 'chasing' isn't really the word I'm looking for. It's not like he's running from me, or that he even knows how I really feel. Perhaps it's more wishful thinking. 

_I'm falling even more in love with you_   
_Letting go of all I've held on to_   
_I'm standing here until you make me move_   
_I'm hanging by a moment here with you_

It's funny how love can make you question everything that you've ever learned. I had never really thought about it before now. It was just another one of those emotions that I didn't have or had ever experienced. 

_Forgetting all I'm lacking_   
_Completely incomplete_   
_I'll take your invitation_   
_You take all of me_

He makes me forget about all the wrong I've done in this life, even if it is just for a little while. It's like I've received forgiveness and a weight is lifted off my shoulders. It's no longer crushing me and I can finally breathe again. 

_Now I'm falling even more in love with you_   
_Letting go of all I've held on to_   
_I'm standing here until you make me move_   
_I'm hanging by a moment here with you_

'He who has nothing to die for has nothing to live for,' is a saying I heard once. It rings truer for me now than ever. And to think that I was willing to throw my life away countless number of times during the war. I wasn't willing to die so much as I thought it was my job. I'd give my life because that is what I was trained to do. I was a weapon, and that was my only purpose. 

Until I met him. 

_I'm living for the only thing I know_   
_I'm running and I question where to go_   
_And I don't know what I'm tapping into_   
_Just hanging by a moment here with you_

He's given meaning to my life I had no right to expect. 

_There's nothing else to lose_   
_There's nothing else to find_   
_There's nothing in the world_   
_That can change my mind_   
_There is nothing else_   
_There is nothing else_   
_There is nothing else_

When the war finally ended, I didn't think there was anything else for me. I was surprised to have survived it, to be honest. All the was left was to take my gun and end my suffering. My mission had been completed. There was no longer any need for a Perfect Soldier. I was only 15 and my life was over. 

He stopped me from killing myself. Well, inadvertently anyway. I had finally mustered up the courage to do it. I was in my room, sitting on my bed, holding my gun to my temple. I had taken a deep breath and started to squeeze the trigger when there was a knock at the door. Startled, I dropped the gun and it clattered under the bed. 

When I didn't answer, he turned the knob and opened the door a crack to peek his head in. He said that he hadn't seen me in awhile and was just checking to see if I was OK. 

I remember nodding numbly, totally lost in his eyes. That mixture of cobalt and violet mesmerized me. 

Duo flashed a grin as only he could do. Before he left he said that he cares about me and that if I ever needed to talk I know where to find him. 

It would have been so easy to leave this life. 'Would have' being the operative words. He cared about me, and I couldn't bring myself to hurt him by taking my own life. The gun is still underneath my bed, untouched since that day. 

The God of Death became a guardian angel. My angel. 

_Desperate for changing_   
_Starving for truth_   
_I'm closer to where I started_   
_I'm chasing after you_

Would you give away your soul if it meant you could feel alive again, or for the first time? Even if it was for only the briefest fraction of a second and it meant an eternity thereafter of damnation? I would, or at least, I did. He has my soul, and my heart, even if he doesn't know it. He always had it. 

_I'm falling even more in love with you_   
_Letting go of all I've held on to_   
_I'm standing here until you make me move_   
_I'm hanging by a moment here with you_

I love him so much that I would die for him. For how many people in your life would you choose to end your existence? For me, it's just one. It's ironic that I have found someone that I would give my life for, and in the process finally found a reason to live. 

_I'm living for the only thing I know_   
_I'm running and I question where to go_   
_And I don't know what I'm tapping into_   
_Just hanging by a moment here with you_

I smile sadly because as much as I want to be with the Duo, I'll never let him get close to me. If he knows me too well he's too valuable for me to keep but too precious for me to let go. 

So I watch from the shadows. Wanting nothing more than to take him in my arms and never let him go, but never being able to. This longing is all I'll ever have. 

_Just hanging by a moment_   
_Hanging by a moment_   
_Hanging by a moment_   
_Hanging by a moment here with you_   


The End   


More Author's Notes: As always, I'd like to know what you thought of it. Until next time.   


"Nunc scio quit sit amor." - Virgil   
Translation: "Now I know what love is."   
  
  



End file.
